Just watched episode 5 :0 I actually really like the way that Aoi is unsure of what love is. I think that's a really interesting idea that I don't think I've seen anywhere else. Actually, it kinda reminds me of myself when I was in high school. I thought that I was aro/ace for a while because I didn't really understand what love was? Or I felt kinda disgusted seeeing certain portrayals of heterosexual romantic love in media, lol. Like the idea of being intimiate or even just kissing someone felt gross and like a violation haha. I mean it kinda is? That's like the whole point, that you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with someone. Most people probably feel some discomfort with the idea of doing it with strangers (though more power to you, if you don't :3).
But anyways, I was very confused about the idea of love. This probably doesn't seem like it connects yet lol. But yeah, in my subconscious or whatever, there is that idea that you will find your "other half" and be with a single person in a committed partnership or whatever. And I kinda see Aoi struggling with that too. Cause it seems like she feels lonely and struggles with not feeling particularly strong or close to anyone. And that kinda sucks? Feeling like you aren't able to "love" in that specific way.
And I remember being sad about not being able to find my "true love" or someone who will really get me and understand me. And not feeling close to my family or friends. I want to have "my person"!!!!
Even at that age, I was learning more about gender and sexuality and I was very interested in like... how societal structure and kinship models influence all of these things. Omg so evil, but I remember hearing Jordan Peterson (who I don't like and diasgree with a lot of stuff haha, I was watching a critique of him) saying something like... if we don't have gender, then we won't really know how to behave around each other. And in the context of the video I was watching, I think it was Big Joel or Little Joel?? Basically making fun of him being like, wow if Peterson ever runs into a nonbinary person, he will just turn the other way and walk away because he doesn't know how to act. Like, well, you can just be like, "hello, how are you" and do other social scripts? But actually like, I think Peterson has a point where it's like.. gender influences a lot of the ways that we interact and relate to each other and that's why people have trouble,, I guess "conceptualizing" nonbinary people? lol.
An example that I really like about gender roles and like... well why do we even have gender roles? Well, they are roles. People need to play roles, lol, am I making sense? Anyways, the example I like is about dating. So in a sterotypical heterosexual partnership, it is assumed that the man will confess, propose, stuff like that. LMao, I remember being in high school, this is when I thought about it. But yeah it's like... okay, if is wasn't assumed that the man will confess, and two people like each other, then?... Like, someone's gotta do it haha. It serves a purpose. Which is why there is the idea of "useless lesbians" who don't know how to interpret each other's flirting and don't know how to confess because it's not socially expected for women to.
Anywaysss, long tangent, but the point is at that age, I knew about a lot of stuff! And I knew about amatonormativity and thinking that I was aro/ace, I would think like okay, I don't really see myself in the future in a long term partnership, I really want to subvert that expectation that I need that if I can't have it, but it still makes me sad!
I don't know what will replace it.
I've been feeling fulfilled by fulfilling socially expected roles :0 Wait no, I am just fulfilling my needs!!!
Okay, but like, it makes sense that you'd be sad because it's propped up to be this extremely and important and fulfilling thing. And like, yeah, I am not emotionally mature enough to like, connect with other people in a deeper way
Like humans have all of these needs, but you don't need them all from the same person (Esther Perel)
Oh yeah, side note about think I was aro/ace and then deciding that that's not the case. It's like... totally fine?? lol